


finding hope in small places

by lohac



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Depression, Disordered Eating, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2018-12-31 18:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12138720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lohac/pseuds/lohac
Summary: Johann was alone. And then, one day, he wasn't.(yeah okay its been too long for me to pretend this isnt on hiatus. i am gonna try to finish it though, ive just been focusing on other fandoms a lot more than taz lately)





	1. Johann

**Author's Note:**

> hoo boy. so this is my first multichapter fic in... a very long time, and the first that ive posted, so im pretty nervous about it. fair warning, updates are probably gonna be kinda sporadic bc depression kicks my ass on the daily, but im gonna do my best to finish it.  
> i thought about waiting until the whole thing was done and then just posting it all at once but... im not that patient and i wanted to get this out into the world.  
> ALSO. this fic is gonna follow canon for the most part, but there will be a happy ending, i promise.

It started one day when Avi stumbled, drunk, into the Voidfish chamber. He looked around, eyes wide, then turned to Johann and said in the most shocked tone of voice, “This isn’t the cafeteria.”

Johann had been in the middle of composing a particularly lovely piece (not that it mattered, it wasn’t like anyone other than the Voidfish would get to hear it) and Avi had broken his train of thought, so he might’ve been a bit short with the man when he said, “No, it isn’t.”

He almost regretted it when he saw the look on Avi’s face. He was pretty sure he’d never seen another person look so sad before.

“Are you mad at me?” Avi asked, his voice actually trembling. Johann sighed and stood up. There was no way he’d be able to get his focus back anytime soon, so he might as well help the guy out.

“I’m not mad at you,” he said, taking Avi’s arm and guiding him to the door. He pointed to the right. “Go that way until you reach the elevator and take it up two floors, then take the first left. If you get lost again, the base is usually pretty busy around this time, there’ll be someone around to help.”

Avi nodded and headed off, and Johann thought that would be the end of it.

 

… Until the next day, when he heard a knock at the door.

“Come in,” he called out, and there, poking his head through the doorway with a sheepish grin on his face, was Avi.

Johann wouldn’t pretend he wasn’t surprised to see the man. Once they’d been inoculated, people rarely visited the Voidfish chamber a second time. Even those who did really only came for something to do with the Voidfish, not Johann. But Avi’s interests, as far as Johann knew, were more on the mechanical side of things. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who’d be interested in learning about the Voidfish. And Johann hadn’t heard of any deaths in the BoB lately, either. So why was he here?

“Sorry about yesterday,” Avi said, entering the room fully. “It seemed like you were working on something pretty important, and I know how hard it is to get back into stuff if you’ve lost your focus. Or it is for me anyway, I don’t know how it is for you and I shouldn’t be assuming, sorry, but. Uh. I got you something to… kinda make up for it, I guess.”

He held out a small package, and Johann took it and unwrapped it to see a case of rosin. He looked up at Avi and the man scuffed his feet awkwardly.

“I don’t know that much about music but I asked around, looked some stuff up, and decided that’d probably be useful at some point. Or I hope so, at least.”

It was… a surprisingly thoughtful gift, actually. Johann had to suppress a small smile as he placed the rosin on the table next to where he was standing.

“Thank you,” he told Avi, and the pleased look on the man’s face almost made up on its own for Johann being interrupted the day before.

And, of course, Johann’s stomach chose that exact moment to make the loudest noise it had in… at least a month.

Mortified, Johann almost hid his face, but Avi didn’t look annoyed or grossed out or anything like that. Instead he looked almost… worried?

“Hey, Johann, when was the last time you ate?” he asked, and the bard froze. _What?_ Since when did anyone care about whether he ate regularly or not? He was still alive, wasn’t he? As long as he was able to feed the Voidfish, it should be fine, right?

“Uh,” he said, trying to think. It hadn’t been today or yesterday, so… “Tuesday?”

Avi’s eyes widened, and he reached out and grabbed Johann’s shoulders. Johann almost flinched back, not used to people touching him, but he found the contact wasn’t unwelcome, somehow.

“Dude, you have to eat! We’re going to the cafeteria right now!”

“I… can’t.”

“What? Why not?” Avi asked.

“I just can’t,” Johann said, frustrated. How was he supposed to explain to Avi that he just… didn't have the energy for interacting with more than one person at a time right now? That he might actually die if he had to leave this room, and that honestly, he wouldn’t really mind that if it weren’t for the whole being forgotten thing, and the fact that the Bureau had no one else to feed and take care of the Voidfish.

Avi stood there for a minute, thinking, and then brightened. “Well, I was planning on getting myself some lunch pretty soon anyway. I’ll just grab you something too while I’m there. What do you want?”

Johann didn’t know how to respond to that. He didn’t really understand why Avi would actually care about his eating habits, especially since they had barely spoken before yesterday - really, nothing beyond a wave and a hello if they passed in the halls, because Avi was a friendly guy and Johann could be polite. Not even the Director really checked in on him. Not that Johann expected her to. She was a very busy woman, after all.

“Um,” he said, finally. “Anything’s fine.”

Avi nodded, flashed Johann a smile, and ducked out of the door, calling behind him that he would be back soon. Sure enough, he returned within half an hour with two sandwiches - one pb&j, and one ham and cheese.

“I forgot to ask if you had any allergies or anything, sorry,” he said, holding out both of the sandwiches. “Hopefully one of these is okay, though.”

Johann took the ham and cheese sandwich and thanked the other man, expecting him to leave to do… whatever he did when he was off duty. But instead, Avi pulled up a chair across from Johann and sat down, taking a bite of the other sandwich.

“What are you doing?” Johann asked, and Avi looked up, confused.

“Eating? Unless it’s not okay to eat in here, but I figured you would’ve said something before I went to get the food, if that was the case. Or you’d rather be alone? I can leave if that’s the case, sorry for bothering you-“

“No, it’s… it’s okay,” Johann said. “I just don’t really get why you’d want to eat here.”

Avi shrugged. “I figure it must get kinda lonely here. Might as well give you some company, y’know?”

“I have the Voidfish,” Johann pointed out.

“Yeah, but…” Avi glanced over at the Voidfish’s tank, where the creature in question was just sort of hovering. Johann got the feeling it was watching them. “Well, it’s not exactly one for conversation, is it?”

That was a good point, Johann had to admit. But it wasn’t like he was lonely. He was used to being on his own. It was fine, really. He liked it that way, even. It made it easier to think.

He ignored the tiny voice in his head that wondered who he was trying to convince.


	2. Avi

If Avi was honest with himself, he’d been wanting to befriend the BoB’s Voidfish caretaker for a while. He’d seen the man in the halls a few times and heard him play at a few Bureau events, and he knew his name - Johann - but not much beyond that. He also knew that the bard always looked sad, and Avi couldn’t stand just not doing anything if he knew someone else was sad. But he couldn’t think of a way to strike up an actual conversation, let alone get to know the other man. Later, he couldn’t help but wonder if him getting lost and wandering into the Voidfish chamber hadn’t been the doing of Istus, or at least some really good luck. 

Whatever the reason, he now found himself sitting in the Voidfish chamber with Johann and eating lunch together. He didn’t normally have sandwiches - at least not just one - but Johann hadn’t exactly given him much to go on, as far as food preferences. He’d ended up getting two different sandwiches and decided he’d just eat whichever one Johann didn’t pick. If he was hungry later, he could get something else. It was a small sacrifice to make to ensure the bard got some food in his stomach.

As the men ate, Avi found himself watching Johann. The bard still looked sad, but maybe slightly less than usual. Avi wasn’t sure if that was because he was just most comfortable in the Voidfish chamber, or because of Avi’s company, but he couldn’t help but hope it was the latter. 

Neither of them really said anything as they ate, but it was a comfortable silence. Or at least, Avi felt like it was. It kind of defeated the whole offering company thing he’d mentioned earlier, but he was pretty bad at thinking of things to talk about, and Johann didn’t seem to mind.

“Why?” Johann said, after a few minutes. Avi looked up from his sandwich, confused.

“Why what?” 

“Why are you here? Why did you bring me food? Why did you ask or come here in the first place?”

Avi was silent for a moment, processing those questions and the unspoken questions behind them. He could just pass it off as just wanting to make it up to Johann for interrupting his practicing the day before. But that wasn’t all of it, and even if Avi was a bit (or a lot) anxious about telling Johann the full truth, the bard deserved to know.

“I just wanted to talk to you. I mean… yesterday wasn’t - I didn’t fake being drunk or anything as an excuse to talk to you, it just provided a good reason. Today. And the food was just… I was worried. You haven’t eaten since Tuesday, you said. Does this happen a lot?”

Johann looked away awkwardly. “I guess so? It doesn’t really matter, I’m not dead or anything.”

If Avi had been concerned before, that only intensified it. “Of  _ course  _ it matters! Just because you’re not dead doesn’t mean you don’t need to eat!” 

“Look, it’s not a big deal,” Johann said. He looked a bit uncomfortable now, and Avi wondered if he’d maybe gone too far. Shit. “I just. Can’t really leave this room a lot of the time. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just… hard. So I don’t eat a lot. It’s fine.” 

Come to think of it, Avi really didn’t see Johann out of the Voidfish chamber a lot. Really, it had only been a few times since Avi had joined the Bureau five or six years ago. Avi had just assumed their schedules didn’t match up much, but it seemed like that wasn’t the full reason.

Maybe he’d have to fix that. There weren’t many other mechanics qualified to work with the cannons, but since the three newest Reclaimers had arrived, the number of other Bureau employees sent planetside had drastically decreased. He figured he could manage a few changes in his schedule. 

 

It was a few days before Avi got a chance to talk to the Director about lowering his hours, or training someone else to manage the cannons. But to his relief, when he did ask her, she agreed instantly. She’d said she thought he was overworking himself and had been worried, but hadn’t known if he would even listen if she suggested cutting back a bit. Avi had to admit, she had a point. He did spend a lot of time tinkering with the cannons, even when he was technically off the clock. But it was important. He had to make sure the calculations and mechanisms were exactly right, or the balls wouldn’t get where they needed to go, and the people in them would crash and get hurt or even die and it would be all his fault and -

Avi was jerked out of his thoughts, luckily before he could get too deep into them, when he walked straight into a wall.  _ Okay, that’s one way to stave off a panic attack _ , he thought as he rubbed his head and looked around. He’d managed to walk himself to the elevator out of habit. 

Well, he hadn’t seen Johann since his last visit, so he might as well go tell him the news. As an afterthought, Avi punched in the floor number for the cafeteria. He didn’t know if Johann would have eaten today, but it wouldn’t hurt to grab something just in case. He’d get something nonperishable. That way if Johann had eaten, he could just save it for the next time he was hungry but couldn’t make the trip to the cafeteria.

By the time Avi had grabbed some muffins for both himself and Johann and made it down to the Voidfish chambers, he had almost completely calmed down from earlier. Which was good, because stepping up to the door and raising his free hand to knock at it, he felt a new wave of anxiety wash over him. What if Johann was just being nice the other day? What if he didn’t actually want to talk to Avi at all? What if he thought Avi was creepy for wanting to befriend him? Oh, gods, he’d changed his entire schedule for a guy he had barely met, of  _ course _ that was creepy. What had he been thinking?

“Hey,” said a voice. Johann. It brought Avi back to reality but didn’t do much to stop him from panicking. “Uh. You’re breathing super hard. Are you okay, dude?”

Somehow, Avi managed to shake his head. Johann reached out a hand, but then seemed to think better of it. Instead, he turned and went back inside the Voidfish chamber. Fuck, he wanted Avi to leave, Avi was disturbing him, he was - he was coming back. With his violin. 

“Okay, so, I don’t know if this will do anything?” Johann said, lifting his violin and setting the bow on the strings. “But I don’t really know what else to do. And it used to - um. Maybe it’ll help.”

And he started to play. 

Of course, Avi had heard Johann’s music before. Everyone on the moonbase had. The bard mainly composed for the Voidfish, of course, but he also played at events and festivals. Avi suspected those were more for recognition than any extra pay the Director gave him, though.

But this… this was different, Avi knew that right away. It was soft and slow and it felt… raw. Like this piece meant a lot to Johann. Like maybe he hadn’t played it in a long, long time, but still knew it by heart, and always would. Like he hadn’t played it for anyone else maybe ever.

Avi didn’t even realize he was no longer panicking until the last notes rang through the corridor, leaving him and Johann in silence. 

“That-” Avi’s voice cracked as he spoke. “That was…” 

Johann started, like he’d forgotten Avi was there, but he recovered quickly. “Amazing? Yeah, I know.” 

From anyone else, the words would come off as boasting. But Johann wasn’t exaggerating. That had been…  _ amazing _ . 

Avi just nodded in agreement, and Johann offered a small smile in return, stepping back from the door to allow Avi in. He set his violin on his desk and then turned to face the man. “So. Should I ask what you’re doing here?” 

Oh. Right. The reason Avi had been panicking in the first place. He shifted nervously back and forth, leaning against the wall and looking over at the Voidfish in its tank. 

“Uh. Well.” Food! He had food. He held up… what was left of the muffins, after he’d basically crushed them during his panic attack. Okay, there went that idea. 

“You… brought me food?” Johann didn’t  _ seem  _ upset that Avi had pretty much destroyed the muffins. He seemed kind of… happy, actually.

“Yeah, um, sorry they’re not in the best condition. I just - the cafeteria was on the way anyway, and I thought maybe you hadn’t eaten in a while like last time - or maybe you have, shouldn’t assume again, but if you have you can save them. Or. Could have saved them.” 

Johann took the muffins anyway, taking a huge bite out of one of them, and, well, Avi guessed he wouldn’t be very picky either, if he were in Johann’s shoes.   
“You said the cafeteria was on the way,” Johann said, once he’d finished off one of the muffins. “Is there another reason you’re here? Not that I’m complaining or anything. Just, uh. Curious.”

Avi knew he couldn’t put it off forever. He cleared his throat and looked away awkwardly. “Well, I… was talking to the Director. And she said. Um. I  _ asked  _ her if I could… cut back on my hours a bit, and she agreed. So I was thinking - if you want, I mean - I could maybe. Visit more often? Just if you want. Sorry, that’s probably weird, I was just thinking, like, it’s just you and the Voidfish - and uh, whoever else visits of course - and I just. Didn’t want you to be alone. As much.”

Johann didn’t respond for at least a minute, and Avi could feel his anxiety getting the better of him (he’d fucked up, oh gods, he’d fucked up so bad) but the bard finally spoke up.

“Nobody.”

“Huh?” Avi asked, confused.

“Nobody visits. Except for when they get inoculated, or for the Rites. Or once in a while people want to see the Voidfish, or something. But nobody visits me, except you.” 

“Oh.” Avi almost stayed silent, but he needed to know for sure. “So the, uh. Me coming to visit you thing. Is that good, or…?”

Johann hesitated, but nodded, a soft smile on his face. 

“Yeah,” he said. “I think I’d like that.” 


	3. Johann

After that, Johann saw Avi almost every day. The man would almost always bring him food - and, in fact, had asked what kinds of food Johann liked, and made sure to get those if he could. And most of the time, he would sit and eat with Johann.

Sometimes, they would talk. Johann didn’t usually like talking to people - it took a lot of energy, more than he usually had, and very few of them were understanding of that - but Avi was different. He was easy to talk to, and if Johann mentioned he wasn’t up for talking anymore partway through a conversation, the other man would either stop talking entirely, or move on to rambling about things that didn’t require responses. The first few times it happened, he stopped himself and apologized, but Johann was quick to reassure him that not only was it not annoying, it was actually… really nice to not be expected to respond.

It became a sort of routine with them over the next couple of weeks - hanging out and eating lunch together. Johann ate more during that time than he had during… the past few months put together, at least. And he was doing better than he had in years. Avi was the first friend he’d really had since… well. Avi was the first friend he’d had in a while. Things were good. Really good.

Of course it couldn’t last.

 

About a month into Johann and Avi’s friendship, Johann had what he had dubbed a depression day. These were days when things were just… extra bad. Usually he ended up staying in bed all day (at least, if he’d gone back to his room the previous night), and either sleeping or berating himself for every single fault he could think of, everything that was wrong with him. He hadn’t had a depression day in quite a bit, mostly thanks to Avi’s companionship. But, well, he should’ve known he wouldn’t be able to keep his streak up forever.

Luckily for him, he’d been doing relatively okay the previous day (which made this even more of a surprise), so he’d managed to head back to his room before passing out. At least he could be miserable in the comfort of his own bed.

He’d almost managed to get back to sleep when he heard someone pounding at the door. Most likely the Director, about feeding the Voidfish, but she _knew_ the extra compositions were in the top drawer of his desk. He didn’t think she would’ve forgotten that. Or maybe it was just someone with the wrong room number. He groaned and rolled over, ready to pull one of his pillows over his head, when he heard a voice that was definitely not the Director’s calling his name.

“Johann! Johann, are you in there?” Avi yelled through the door, and Johann was so surprised that he actually sat up.

“Uh, yeah,” he called back. He almost told Avi to come in, but remembered his door would be locked. Ugh. He forced himself out of bed to get the door, then trudged back, flopping down and doing a faceplant into his pillow. Voice now muffled, he asked, “Sup?”

“Sorry, um - is it a bad time? I can… come back or something. I just. Was really worried. You weren’t in the Voidfish room, and you weren’t answering your Stone of Farspeech either.”

Oh. Right. He’d turned it off before going to bed so he wouldn’t get woken up in the middle of the night, and… hadn’t really had the energy even to reach over to turn it back on this morning. Whoops.

He shifted to his side so Avi could hear him better before speaking. “It’s not. A bad time, I mean. Just… not a great day for me in general. It happens sometimes, I’ll be back to normal tomorrow. Sorry for worrying you over nothing.”

Johann had told Avi about his depression fairly early on, wanting to make sure the man knew what he was in for, but he’d left out the depression days. Like an idiot, he’d hoped that Avi’s friendship would chase them away for good. But clearly, he’d been wrong, and now Avi had been worried because of his foolishness.

“Oh. Uh. Well, if you’re not feeling good, it’s not nothing. But I can leave, if you’d rather be alone?”

“No,” Johann said, surprising himself with how quick it was. “I mean. You can stay, if you want. It’s up to you.”

“Oh. Okay then.” Avi offered a relieved smile. “Great. Um… I had food but. I guess I dropped it or something looking for you. Sorry.”

Johann didn’t really see any point in lying. “I probably wouldn’t have eaten it anyway, so. It’s okay. Thanks, though. You can sit down if you want.”

Avi nodded and pulled the only chair in the room over to sit next to Johann’s bed. “I’m… guessing you’re not in the mood to talk to much. D’you want me to talk, or…?”

Johann nodded twice in response to both things, grateful that Avi so easily understood what he needed. The other man quickly launched into a description of his plans for the next cannon upgrade - a device that would track the progress of the glass balls the Bureau used for transportation, and alert the person or people inside when they were getting close, reminding them to pull the handle. Avi said he wasn’t sure if the Director would approve the use of Bureau resources and funds, since no one had actually died as a result of an accident (yet). But there _had_ been a few injuries caused by employees - usually new ones - getting distracted and forgetting to stop the sphere. This upgrade would prevent any more of those occurrences, Avi was sure of it.

Johann didn’t understand most of the technical terms, but he agreed that that upgrade would be a really good idea. He knew Avi worried about something going wrong with the cannons and someone getting hurt. Hopefully, if the Director approved the idea and it went through, it would help with that worry, at least somewhat.

It took Johann at least half an hour of listening to Avi ramble about various things - rumors of the next Relic, conversations he’d overheard about the newest Reclaimers, and his distaste for one of his coworkers who kept dropping their garbage on the floor and just leaving it - for Johann to realize that he actually… felt better. Still really bad, and he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be leaving his room anytime soon, but… better. Avi’s talking had, at least, helped distract him, and kept him from getting too deep in his own thoughts. Not for the first time, he thought about how lucky he was to have the man as a friend.

“Hey,” he said, once Avi had finished his latest story. “Um. Thank you.”

Avi tilted his head, confused. “What? Why?”

“Just…” Johann gestured at the other man. “For being here, I guess. And talking to me. You didn’t have to.”

“You… know I want to be here, right? I like being your friend. I _like_ talking to you. You don’t have to thank me for that.”

The bard felt his face grow hot. _Technically_ he knew, yes, but hearing the confirmation from Avi’s mouth was… a big deal. “I - I guess. Still. I want to.”

“Oh. Okay then.” Avi grinned at him. “In that case, thank you, too.”

And even in his current state, Johann couldn’t help but smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was shorter than i wouldve liked and im not sure how i feel abt it in general but uh. here yall go

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! comments are always appreciated, and if you wanna say hi or anything, my tumblr is grandrelic.


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